Flying sex snakes Michelle Obama's arms German dungeon porn White people Getting so angry that you pop a boner Tasteful sideboob Praying the gay away Two midgets shitting into a bucket MechaHitler Being a motherfucking sorcerer A disappointing birthday party Puppies! A windmill full of corpses Guys who don't call Racially-biased SAT questions Dying Steven Hawking talking dirty Being on fire A lifetime of sadness An erection that lasts longer than four hours AIDS Same-sex ice dancing Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook The Rapture Pterodactyl eggs Crippling debt Eugenics Exchanging pleasantries Dying of dysentery Roofies Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon The forbidden fruit Republicans The Big Bang Anal beads Amputees Men Surprise sex! Kim Jong-il Concealing a boner Agriculture Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards Making a pouty face A salty surprise The Jews Charisma YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS Panda sex Taking off your shirt A drive-by shooting Ronald Reagan Morgan Freeman's voice Breaking out into song and dance Jewish fraternities Dead babies Masturbation Hormone injections All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99 Incest Scalping Soup that is too hot The Übermensch Nazis Tom Cruise Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis Edible underpants The Hustle A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee Figgy pudding Object permanence Consultants Intelligent design Nocturnal emissions Uppercuts Being marginalized The profoundly handicapped Obesity Chutzpah Unfathomable stupidity Repression Attitude Passable transvestites Party poopers The American Dream Child beauty pageants Puberty Testicular torsion The folly of man Nickelback Swooping Goats eating cans The KKK Kamikaze pilots Horrifying laser hair removal accidents Adderall™ A look-see Doing the right thing The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge Lactation Pabst Blue Ribbon Powerful thighs Saxophone solos The gays A middle-aged man on roller skates A foul mouth The thing that electrocutes your abs Heteronormativity Cuddling Coat hanger abortions A big hoopla about nothing Boogers A hot mess Raptor attacks My collection of high-tech sex toys Fear itself Bees? Getting drunk on mouthwash Sniffing glue Oversized lollipops An icepick lobotomy Being rich Friends with benefits Teaching a robot to love Women's suffrage Me time The heart of a child Smallpox blankets The clitoris John Wilkes Booth The glass ceiling Sarah Palin Sexy pillow fights Yeast Full frontal nudity Parting the Red Sea A Bop It™ Michael Jackson Team-building exercises Harry Potter erotica Authentic Mexican cuisine Frolicking Sexting Grandma Not giving a shit about the Third World Licking things to claim them as your own Genghis Khan The hardworking Mexican RoboCop My relationship status Scrubbing under the folds Porn Stars Horse meat Sunshine and rainbows Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor Barack Obama Spontaneous human combustion Natural selection Mouth herpes Flash flooding Goblins A monkey smoking a cigar Spectacular abs A good sniff Wiping her butt The Three-Fifths compromise Pedophiles Doin' it in the butt Being fabulous Mathletes Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry Nipple blades An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist A bag of magic beans Vigorous jazz hands A defective condom Skeletor Vikings Leaving an awkward voicemail Teenage pregnancy Dead parents Hot cheese My sex life A mopey zoo lion Assless chaps Riding off into the sunset Lance Armstrong's missing testicle Sweet, sweet vengeance Genital piercings Keg stands Darth Vader Viagra® Necrophilia A really cool hat Toni Morrison's vagina An Oedipus complex The Tempur-Pedic® Swedish Sleep System™ Preteens Dick fingers A cooler full of organs Shapeshifters The Care Bear Stare Erectile dysfunction Keanu Reeves The Virginia Tech Massacre The Underground Railroad The chronic Queefing Heartwarming orphans A thermonuclear detonation Cheating in the Special Olympics Tangled Slinkys A moment of silence Civilian casualties Catapults Sharing needles Ethnic cleansing Emotions Children on leashes Balls Homeless people Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale Old-people smell Farting and walking away The inevitable heat death of the universe The violation of our most basic human rights Fingering The placenta The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr Leprosy Sperm whales Multiple stab wounds Flightless birds Grave robbing Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine® Oompa-Loompas A murder most foul Tentacle porn Daddy issues Bill Nye the Science Guy Peeing a little bit The miracle of childbirth Tweeting Another goddamn vampire movie Britney Spears at 55 New Age music The Make-A-Wish® Foundation Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog Active listening Nicolas Cage 72 virgins Stranger danger Hope A gassy antelope BATMAN!!! Chivalry Passing a kidney stone Black people Natalie Portman A mime having a stroke Classist undertones Sean Penn A mating display The Holy Bible Hot Pockets® A sad handjob Pulling out Serfdom Pixelated bukkake Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up Jew-fros Waiting 'til marriage Euphoria™ by Calvin Klein The World of Warcraft Lunchables™ The Kool-Aid Man The Trail of Tears Self-loathing A falcon with a cap on its head Historically black colleges Not reciprocating oral sex Global warming Ghosts World peace A can of whoop-ass The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy A zesty breakfast burrito Switching to Geico® Aaron Burr Picking up girls at the abortion clinic Land mines Former President George W. Bush Geese Mutually-assured destruction College Date rape Bling A gentle caress of the inner thigh A time travel paradox Seppuku Poor life choices Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot Italians GoGurt® Finger painting Robert Downey, Jr My soul Smegma Embryonic stem cells The South Christopher Walken Gloryholes Pretending to care Public ridicule A tiny horse Arnold Schwarzenegger A stray pube Jerking off into a pool of children's tears Child abuse Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts Menstruation A sassy black woman Re-gifting Penis envy A sausage festival Getting really high Drinking alone Too much hair gel Hulk Hogan Overcompensation Foreskin Free samples Shaquille O'Neal's acting career Five-Dollar Footlongs™ Whipping it out A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him) Half-assed foreplay Dental dams Being a dick to children Famine Chainsaws for hands A gypsy curse AXE Body Spray The Force Explosions Cybernetic enhancements Customer service representatives White privilege Gandhi Road head God Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes 8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin Judge Judy The Little Engine That Could Altar boys Mr. Clean, right behind you Vehicular manslaughter Dwarf tossing Friction Lady Gaga Scientology Justin Bieber A death ray Vigilante justice The Pope A sea of troubles Alcoholism Poor people A fetus Women in yogurt commercials Exactly what you'd expect Flesh-eating bacteria My genitals A balanced breakfast Dick Cheney Lockjaw Natural male enhancement Take-backsies Winking at old people Opposable thumbs Flying sex snakes Passive-aggressive Post-it notes Inappropriate yodeling Golden showers Racism Copping a feel Auschwitz Elderly Japanese men Raping and pillaging Kids with ass cancer Pictures of boobs The homosexual agenda A homoerotic volleyball montage Sexual tension Hurricane Katrina Fiery poops Science Dry heaving Cards Against Humanity Fancy Feast® A bleached asshole Lumberjack fantasies American Gladiators Autocannibalism Sean Connery William Shatner Domino's™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza An asymmetric boob job Centaurs A micropenis Asians who aren't good at math The milk man Waterboarding Wifely duties Loose lips The Blood of Christ Actually taking candy from a baby The token minority Jibber-jabber A brain tumor Bingeing and purging A clandestine butt scratch The Chinese gymnastics team Prancing The Hamburglar Police brutality Man meat Forgetting the Alamo Eating the last known bison Crystal meth Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars My inner demons Third base Soiling oneself Laying an egg Giving 110% Hot people Friendly fire Count Chocula Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum Estrogen My vagina Kanye West A robust mongoloid The Donald Trump Seal of Approval™ The true meaning of Christmas Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II An honest cop with nothing left to lose Feeding Rosie O'Donnell The Amish The terrorists When you fart and a little bit comes out Pooping back and forth. Forever Friends who eat all the snacks Cockfights Bitches Seduction A big black dick A beached whale A bloody pacifier A crappy little hand A low standard of living A nuanced critique Panty raids A passionate Latino lover A rival dojo A web of lies A woman scorned Clams Apologizing A plunger to the face Neil Patrick Harris Beating your wives Being a dinosaur Shaft Bosnian chicken farmers Nubile slave boys Carnies Coughing into a vagina Suicidal thoughts The ooze Deflowering the princess Dorito breath Eating an albino Enormous Scandinavian women Fabricating statistics Finding a skeleton Gandalf Genetically engineered super-soldiers George Clooney's musk Getting abducted by Peter Pan Getting in her pants, politely Gladiatorial combat Clenched butt cheeks Hipsters Historical revisionism Insatiable bloodlust Jafar Jean-Claude Van Damme Just the tip Mad hacky-sack skills Leveling up Literally eating shit Making the penises kiss 24-hour media coverage Medieval Times© Dinner & Tournament Moral ambiguity My machete One thousand Slim Jims Ominous background music Overpowering your father Stockholm Syndrome Quiche Quivering jowls Revenge fucking Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse Santa Claus Scrotum tickling Sexual humiliation Sexy Siamese twins Saliva Space muffins Statistically validated stereotypes Sudden Poop Explosion Disease The boners of the elderly The economy Syphilitic insanity The Gulags The harsh light of day The hiccups The shambling corpse of Larry King The four arms of Vishnu Being a busy adult with many important things to do Tripping balls Words, words, words Zeus's sexual appetites A bigger, blacker dick The mere concept of Applebee's® A sad fat dragon with no friends Catastrophic urethral trauma Hillary Clinton's death stare Existing A pinata full of scorpions Mooing Swiftly achieving orgasm Daddy's belt Double penetration Weapons-grade plutonium Some really fucked-up shit Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife Rising from the grave The mixing of the races Taking a man's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes Scrotal frostbite All of this blood Loki, the trickster god Whining like a little bitch Pumping out a baby every nine months Tongue Finding Waldo Upgrading homeless people to mobile hotspots Wearing an octopus for a hat An unhinged ferris wheel rolling toward the sea Living in a trashcan The corporations A magic hippie love cloud Fuck Mountain Survivor's guilt Me Getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group Jeff Goldblum Making a friend A soulful rendition of "Ol' Man River." Intimacy problems A sweaty, panting leather daddy Spring break! Being awesome at sex Dining with cardboard cutouts of the cast of "Friends." Another shot of morphine Beefin' over turf A squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles Bullshit The Google Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game® The new Radiohead album An army of skeletons A man in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings Mild autism Nunchuck moves Whipping a disobedient slave An ether-soaked rag A sweet spaceship A 55-gallon drum of lube Special musical guest, Cher The human body Boris the Soviet Love Hammer The grey nutrient broth that sustains Mitt Romney Tiny nipples Power Oncoming traffic A dollop of sour cream A slightly shittier parallel universe My first kill Graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content Fetal alcohol syndrome The day the birds attacked One Ring to rule them all Grandpa's ashes Basic human decency A Burmese tiger pit Death by Steven Seagal Dragon boobs Verisimilitude Dissociated mechanics Rape Storygames Random chargen RPG.net Dice inserted somewhere painful FATAL Ron Edwards' brain damage Boob plate armor Gamer chicks GNS theory Drizzt The entire Palladium Books® Megaverse™ BadWrongFun Misogynerds Cultural Marxism Pissing on Gary Gygax's grave Steve Jackson's beard Natural 20 Rapenards The Crisis of Treachery™ Game balance Fishmalks A kick to the dicebags Bearded dwarven women Owlbear's tears Magic missile THAC0 Bigby's Groping Hands Drow blackface Save or die Swine The Forge Healing Surges Gelatinous Cubes Total Party Kill Quoting Monty Python Dumbed down shit for ADD WoW babies Mike Mearls Comeliness Vampire: The Masquerade Rifts™ The random prostitute table Dildo of Enlightenment +2 Grognards Against Humanity Cthulhu The naked succubus in the Monster Manual Role-playing and roll-playing Fun Tyrant 4rries Martial dailies Black Tokyo Killfuck Soulshitter Cheetoism Grimdark Kobolds Oozemaster Rocks fall, everyone dies Mark Rein·Hagen Maid RPG Splugorth blind warrior women Dying during chargen Slaughtering innocent orc children Lesbian stripper ninjas Magical tea party Grinding levels Dice animism White privilege Githyanki therapy Amber Diceless Roleplaying A ratcatcher with a small but vicious dog Bribing the GM with sexual favors Eurocentric fantasy Sacred cows Gygaxian naturalism Special snowflakes Neckbeards Gazebos Lorraine Williams Nude larping Portable holes Steampunk bullshit Dump stats Ale and whores Japanese schoolgirl porn Horny catgirls Japanese people Cimo ZA WARUDO! 40 gigs of lolicon Goku's hair Slashfic Star Gentle Uterus Naruto headbands Homestuck troll horns Hayao Miyazaki The tsunami Death Note Small breasts Asians being racist against each other Weeaboo bullshit Tsundere Body pillows A lifelike silicone love doll Anime figures drenched in jizz Surprise sex Yaoi Girls with glasses Bronies Blue and white striped panties 4chan Hello Kitty vibrator Finishing attack Keikaku* *(keikaku means plan) Hatsune Miku's screams School swimsuits Lovingly animated bouncing boobs Dragon Balls Zangief's chest hair DeviantArt Giant fucking robots Crossplay Moeblob Carl Macek's rotting corpse My waifu Voice actress Megumi Hayashibara Lynn Minmei Panty shots Love and Justice Consensual tentacle rape Gundam Captain Bright slapping Amuro The Wave Undulation Cannon Having sex in the P.E. equipment shed Tainted sushi Shitty eurobeat music Bad dubbing Fangirls Kawaii desu uguu Futanari Lesbian schoolgirls Osamu Tezuka, rolling in his grave forever FUNimation Underage cosplayers in bondage gear Jackie Chan Exchanging Pocky for sexual favors Shipping Chiyo's father Magikarp Derpy Nanoha and her special friend Fate The marbles from Ramune bottles Wideface Spoilers Man-Faye Oppai mousepads Another dimension Homura sniffing Madoka's panties Hadouken Asian ball-jointed dolls J-list Childhood friends Monkey D. Luffy's rubbery cock Cloud's giant fucking Buster Swords Taking a dump in Char's helmet Hentai marathons Gothic Lolita Onaholes Super Saiyan Level 2 Gaia Online Santa's heavy sack Clearing a bloody path through Walmart with a scimitar Another shitty year Whatever Kwanzaa is supposed to be about A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw Elf cum The tiny, calloused hands of the Chinese children that made this card Taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile Socks Pretending to be happy Krampus, the Austrian Christmas monster The Star Wars Holiday Special My hot cousin Mall Santa Several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant A Hungry-Man™ Frozen Christmas Dinner for one Gift-wrapping a live hamster Space Jam on VHS Immaculate conception Fucking up 'Silent Night' in front of 300 parents A visually arresting turtleneck A toxic family environment Eating an entire snowman Bumpses A Vin Gerard H8 X 10 Harry Acropolis Under the ring Afa The Wild Samoan Peanut Butter and Baby sandwiches Yard Tards Two girls, one cup Ugly Mexican Hookers Duct tape Sodaj Steve The Teacher Jefferee Autoerotic Asphyxiation Sonic The Hedgehog Lotto Money Jailbait Prison rape Two And A Half Men Anne Frank Black Santa Jesus Christ (our lord and saviour) Farting with your armpits Poopsicles Slaughtering innocent children Sex with vegetables My gay ex-husband Accidentally sexting your mom Tabasco in your pee-hole Pee Wee Herman A breath of fresh air A great big floppy donkey dick A pyramid scheme A school bus surrounded by cop cars A short walk in the desert with shovels All the boys staring at your chest An amorous stallion Being so wet it just slides out of you Being tarred and feathered Catching 'em all Chained to the bed and whipped to orgasmic bliss by a leather-clad woman Child-bearing hips Defenestration Dungeons andgor dragons Ecco the Dolphin George Washington riding on a giant eagle Getting abducted and probed by aliens Going viral on YouTube Gushing Making the baby Jesus cry More than you can chew Napalm Pancake bitches Playing God with the power of lightning Playing tonsil-hockey Racing cheese wheels downhill Riding the bomb Settling arguments with dance-offs Sheer spite Sinister laughter SS Girls Stealing your sister's underwear Stroking a cat the wrong way Sucking and blowing The bullet with your name on it The entire rest of eternity, spent in fucking Bruges The oceans rising to reclaim the land A cocained-fuelled sex orgy heart attack A cocktail umbrella A murdergsuicide pact A squirming mass of kittens An angry mob with torches and pitchforks Biting my girlfriend like a vampire during sex Dropping your pants and saluting Frankenstein's Monster Getting a blowjob in a theater Going full retard Going slob-slob-slob all over that knob Leaking implants Low-flying planes Monkies flinging their own shit My robot duplicate Other people’s children People who can't take a joke. Seriously Popping a boner during Sex Ed class Projectile vomiting Pulling down panties with your teeth Saying Shedding skin like a snake Shooting Valley Girls for like, saying like all the time. Really Slow seductive tentacle rape Talking like a pirate, y’arr! Tenderly kissing a unicorn's horn That bastard Jesus! The last shreads of dignity The power of friendship This card intentionally left blank Throwing water on a braless woman in a white t-shirt Upskirts Wasting all your money on hookers and booze Winning A foot fetish A powerful gag reflex A tight, Asian pussy Explosive decompression Extraordinary Rendition Forgetting the safety word Greeting Christmas carollers naked Handcuffs, without the key Having a drill for a penis Hot Jailbait Ass Liposuction gone horrible wrong My harem of scantily clad women Nazi Zombie Robot Ninjas Redneck gypsies Scissoring A guy and two robots who won’t shut up A shotgun wedding Anne Frank's diary Autoerotic asphyxiation Blow Up Bianca the Latex Lovedoll Endlessly tumbling down an up escalator Fun with nuns Getting it all over the walls Holiday Dinner by Jack Daniels Nailgun fights Teaching the bitch a lesson Nazi super science Making a human centipede The primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now A cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus Cock A cop who is also a dog Dying alone and in pain Gay aliens The way white people is Reverse cowgirl The Quesadilla Explosion Salad™ from Chili's© Actually getting shot, for real Not having sex Vietnam flashbacks Running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere Nothing Warm, velvety muppet sex Self-flagellation The systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life Samuel L. Jackson A boo-boo Going around punching people The entire Internet Some kind of bird-man Chugging a lava lamp Having sex on top of a pizza Indescribable loneliness An ass disaster Shutting the fuck up All my friends dying Putting an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the VCR Spending lots of money Some douche with an acoustic guitar Flying robots that kill people A greased-up Matthew McConaughey An unstoppable wave of fire ants Not contributing to society in any meaningful way An all-midget production of Shakespeare's Richard III Screaming like a maniac The moist, demanding chasm of his mouth Filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks Crying into the pages of Sylvia Plath Velcro™ A PowerPoint presentation A surprising amount of hair Eating Tom Selleck's mustache to gain his powers Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king That ass A pile of squirming bodies Buying the right pants to be cool Blood farts Three months in the hole A botched circumcision The Land of Chocolate Slapping a racist old lady A lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint Jumping out at people A black male in his early 20s, last seen wearing a hoodie Mufasa's death scene Bill Clinton, naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone Demonic possession The Harlem Globetrotters Vomiting mid-blowjob My manservant, Claude Having shotguns for legs Letting everyone down A spontaneous conga line A vagina that leads to another dimension Disco fever Getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick Fisting The thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn Girls that always be textin' Blowing some dudes in an alley Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs® to get fifty continuous hours of energy Sneezing, farting, and coming at the same time A freshly-filled diaper Glue An unusually-attractive transvestite Hand-me-down adult diapers A stillborn fetus A disgraced pelican Three buckets of urine, free for 2 nights, with no late fee My testicles A black woman's vagina My asshole A whale's blowhole 2 Girls 1 Cup The Big Bang Theory (TV) Teen pregnancy Ass hair Vaginal warts Ellen Degeneres Jews Against Humanity Indy wrestling Cunt Beating a crowd of delightful parents to death with a steel dildo Beating a crowd of delightful parents to death with a steel dildo while dressed as Ru Paul's brother, Ron A roll in the hay \"Get 'em, Steve-Dave!\" God Hates You Manboobs Daniel Benoit Vomiting in the shower An intellectually superior overlord Dwight Schrute Casey Anthony Clubbin seals Stunt cock Anal lice Lightsaber Dildos Jaime Lannister, 'The Kingslayer' Cersei Lannister, the Queen Joffrey Baratheon, the Prince Tyrion Lannister, 'The Imp' Ned Stark, Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North Robb Stark, heir apparent of Winterfell Jon Snow, the bastard Catelyn Stark, Lady of Winterfell Sansa Stark, betrothed to Prince Joffrey Arya Stark Bran Stark Hodor The Wall The Night's Watch Danerys Targaryen, Khaleesi of the Dothraki Theon Greyjoy, Ned Stark's youthful ward Peter 'Littlefinger' Baelish Lord Varys, the Spider King Robert Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord Protector of the Realm Khal Drogo, Dothraki horse lord The Iron Throne HODOR!! Ros, the red-headed whore Winterfell Kings's Landing The North Beyond the Wall Westeros The Seven Kingdoms Direwolves White Walkers Dragons 'Winter is Coming' The old gods and the new Incest, hot twin on twin action House Stark House Lannister House Targaryen George R. R. Martin Gratuitous nudity, the way only HBO® can provide Throwing a boy out of a window to cover up incest Joining the Night's Watch Selling your sister to Dothraki nomads Making your husband love you through cunning use of reverse cowgirl Running a whorehouse, which is better than owning ships Conquering the continent with dragons Being forced to marry an abusive king Beheading a man for having no honor Explaining complicated plot with lots of naked women around Trusting Littlefinger Learning the prince is a bastard and the product of incest Slapping Joffrey. Repeatedly Cutting off your enemies' heads and mounting them on spikes Raising your husband's bastard son as your own Asking a teenage girl if she's 'bled yet' Making millions of fans cry by killing off beloved characters Hodoring Riding off to join your best friend's rebellion Breastfeeding your creepy son until he's 9 years old Having a giant wolf for a pet Beheaded on the steps of the Sept of Baelor Killed by a member of the Kingsguard Seized the Iron Throne by any means necessary Built a 700 foot high wall to keep out bad things Born a bastard Butchered by White Walkers and arranged in an artful pattern Appointed as Hand of the King Found enough wolf cubs for all the children Fondled by your brother on your wedding day Climbed the wrong wall at the wrong time Started a pointless vendetta with another House Increased ratings with the use of gratuitous nudity Carried by Hodor Pissed off of the Wall just because Swore an oath to the old gods and the new Brought home a new baby bastard for your wife to hate Negotiated a wedding no one will like Rode a dragon, like a boss Changed things from the book, infuriating fans Spent an entire reign chasing boars and fucking whores Full HD The Gravity Gun Reading the comments 70,000 gamers sweating and farting inside an airtight steel dome Allowing nacho cheese to curdle in your beard while you creep in League of Legends Achieving the manual dexterity and tactical brilliance of a 12-year-old Korean boy Rolling a D20 to save a failing marriage The collective wail of every Magic player suddenly realizing that they've spent hundreds of dollars on pieces of cardboard Being an attractive elf trapped in an unattractive human's body Temporary invincibility The Sarlacc Filling every pouch of a UtiliKilt™ with pizza Bowser's aching heart Mario Kart rage Nude-Modding Super Mario World An angry stone head that stomps on the floor every three seconds Yoshi's huge egg-laying cloaca The Cock Ring of Alacrity Offering sexual favors for an ore and a sheep A home-made, cum-stained Star Trek uniform Unlocking a new sex position The boner hatch in the Iron Man suit Never watching, discussing, or thinking about My Little Pony Turn-of-the-century sky racists The decade of legal inquests following a single hour of Grand Theft Auto A fully-dressed female video game character Buying virtual clothes for a Sim family instead of real clothes for a real family Google Glass + e-Cigarette: Ultimate Combo! Tapping Serra Angel Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam! Legendary Creature - Robert Khoo Winning the approval of Cooking Mama that you never got from actual mama Eating a pizza that's lying in the street to gain health Getting into a situation with an Owlbear Grand Theft Auto: Fort Lauderdale A madman who lives in a police box and kidnaps women SNES cartridge cleaning fluid An immediately regrettable $9 hot dog from the Boston Convention Center Running out of stamina Casting Magic Missile at a bully Getting bitch slapped by Dhalsim Firefly: Season 2 Rotating shapes in mid-air so that they fit into other shapes when they fall Jiggle physics Paying the iron price Sharpening a foam broadsword on a foam whetstone The rocket launcher The depression that ensues after catching 'em all Loading from a previous save Violating the first Law of Robotics Getting inside the Horadic Cube with a hot babe and pressing the transmute button Punching a tree to gather wood Spending the year's insulin budget on Warhammer 40k figurines The Klobb Achieving 500 actions per minute Vespene gas Wil Wheaton crashing an actual spaceship Charging up all the way Judging elves by the color of their skin and not the content of their character Smashing all the pottery in a Pottery Barn in search of rupees Forgetting to eat and consequently dying Zero F**K's Given! Windows update Wilfrord Brimley's Mustache Wikileaks Why not Zoidberg?! White Shirt Warp core breach W.O.P.R Vinyl Vanna Vegas 2.0 Using 4Chan for parenting advice User Error Undercover NBC DateLine Reporter UDP Handshake Two Girls One Cup Truffle Shuffle Trigger word Tractor Beam Toxic BBQ I'm a text Tongue punch that fart box, boy TL;DR Threat modeling Throat Punching There's talks at DEF CON? The Spanish Inquisition The smell of glitter and lost dreams The plan was to crowd source a plan The fractured elements of her psyche reassembled themselves into an exact likeness of a snarling ferret and she self-destructed The asshole sitting to my right The asshole sitting to my left That's What ~ She That's Racist! That place where I put that thing that time That just happened and we let that happen Tentacle Porn TARDIS Sweat, anger and shame Stolen laptops Sticky keyboard Steve Wozniak Steampunk SRDF (Self Righteous Dick Face) Squirrel Spyware Spotting a FED SPAM with Bacon Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore Spacedicks Slow Clap Six gummy bears and some scotch Situational awareness Shut up and take my money Schrödinger's cat Shenanigans Security theater Security Evangelist Security by obscurity Script kiddies Said no one ever! Sabu Running backwards through a corn field Rule 34 Ruby on Rails Rolling Natural 20's ROFLCOPTER Riding a horse Ridiculously Photogenic Guy Ribbed for their pleasure Restore from backups Redbull without a cause Red Shirts ReCaptcha Real men of Genius Rainbow tables Rageface Rage quit Put Kevin back Put a bird on it Purchasing challenge coins on eBay Prism Priest in a thong doing the Gangnam Style Pressing the red button Prenda Law Prairie dogging during an interview Practicing Gringo Warrior at home with baby oil. Naked P0rn PORK CHOP SANDWICHES! Pop, Pop, Ret Pool2Girl Please do the needful Pirate Party Pepper spray PedoBear Patrick Star Pastebin password files Passwords emailed in plain text Password: Guest 0wning You Online backups One Salty Hash OMGBTFBBQ Obvious NSA Now I'm into something... Darker Not a single fuck was given North Korea's Twitter Account No Starch Press No Reason Nmap Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, and Zombies! Ninja badge Nigerian scammers Neck beard NAMBLA Na-ah-ah You didn't say the magic word! My sex robot Fisto Roboto My massive SSD My little Bronies My first Prostate Exam Mouth Hugs Mega Mega Upload Math is hard. Lets go shopping! Masturbating in a hot tub for a Ninja Badge Mansplaining Maniacally laughing while wearing a monocle Making a sandwich Maintaining the Ballmer Peak Lock picks Level 8 Portal Lemon Party Learning something at Con Lady boner L0pht Keyloggers Kevin Mitnick Kegels Just the Tip Just a sniff Julian Assange John McAfee It's just a bunch of ones and zeros It blended! Ingress Infected email attachments In the cloud Implied Situational Consent Ill-tempered sea bass If you know what I mean Identity theft ICANN I should buy a boat Humperdink award HuBot (Chatroom bot) Hookers & Blow Hashtag Handcuffs Grumpy Cat Gray beard, gray balls Grammar Nazi Got it done! Good Guy Greg Golf cart Glasshole Getting thrown the the pool by the Goons with all your tech Getting hammered in the ass so much you die of getting hammered in the ass Getting F'd in the A with a D Getting a sympathy boner Fyodor FX Forking someone's repo Forever Alone FOIA Request Floppy Disk Flipping a table Flesh light Flame wars Fist full of assholes Fish fingers and custard First World Problems Finished it last week! FemiNazi's Fear Uncertainty Doubt (FUD) Fapping while wearing a horse head mask Fapping on the family computer Fapped Facepalm EXIF data stalking End User License Agreement Electronic Frontier Foundation Edward Snowden Drunken Muppet Drones Double ROT13 Double Facepalm Don't Blink Dr. Who Dongs Doing the '(you are) NOT the father' dance Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) Die in a fire Dick andgor Balls derp.rar (yo.zip) Def Con Wireless Do not connect to this! Deep C Phishing Dark Tangent Dan Kaminsky Password Generator Dan Kaminsky Daaaaaanger Zone! Cyber war Cyber-douchery Cyber Punk Crying over spilt milk Crash Override Copyright trolls Coding while listening to whale songs Clicking shit Chuck Norris China Check a look at you later Cat memes Caressing a man's hairy chest Captain Crunch (John Draper) Butthurt Butt chugging mom's boxed wine But then I'd have to kill you Big Dongles Big Data Being the big spoon Being the little spoon Being sexually aroused by the sight of TSA's gloves Bath salts Bacon Babe caught me slippin' Awkward mouth hugs Awkward hugs Asymmetric encryption Arbitrary code execution APT1 Anonymous And then it died And boom goes the dynamite An arrow to the knee Altair 8800 All the Things! Alexis Park Ain't nobody got time for dat! Ada Initiative approved flesh-light with anti-rape condom included! ACTII pr0n A van down by the river A town with no ducks A series of explicit Post-It notes A series of tubes A Raspberry Pi A Payphone A Ninja-tel Phone A Hak5 Pineapple A Googly eyed blow job A giant cup of STFU A fake ID made from Kinko's A baby's arm holding an apple A 'Pair of Docs' 64 Bit Keys 503 Card Unavailable 501 Card Error 500 internal card error 406 Not Allowed 404 Not Found 403 Forbidden 401 Unauthorized 3D printed P0rn 302 Card Redirect 10,000 Canadian Pennies 1.21 Jigawatts (wub) (wub) (wub) 'I Survived Ada Camp' Challenge Coin 1337 Sp3ak 10 Incredible Facts About the Anus A Native American who solves crimes by going into the spirit world A Ugandan warlord A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans A dance move that's just sex A fart A for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes A gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry A hopeless amount of spiders A horse with no legs A kiss on the lips A manhole A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness A sex goblin with a carnival penis A shiny rock that proves I love you Actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers Africa All the single ladies Almost giving money to a homeless person Ambiguous sarcasm An interracial handshake Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night Ass to mouth Blackula Bouncing up and down Calculating every mannerism so as not to suggest homosexuality Child Protective Services Crazy opium eyes Dem titties Depression Doo-doo Drinking responsibly Exploding pigeons Falling into the toilet Finally finishing off the Indians Fucking a corpse back to life Grammar nazis who are also regular Nazis How awesome I am Injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other Interspecies marriage Jizz Khakis Lots and lots of abortions Moderate-to-severe joint pain My dad's dumb fucking face My sex dungeon My worthless son Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits No clothes on, penis in vagina Party Mexicans Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa Sharks with legs Smoking crack, for instance Snorting coke off a clown's boner Some sort of Asian Sports Stuffing a child's face with Fun Dip® until he starts having fun Sugar madness The complex geopolitical quagmire that is the Middle East The euphoric rush of strangling a drifter The peaceful and nonthreatening rise of China The safe word The secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction The size of my penis The tiniest shred of evidence that God is real Three consecutive seconds of happiness Unquestioning obedience What Jesus would do Whatever a McRib® is made of Whispering all sexy The biggest, blackest dick A box A box within a box A boxing match with a giant box A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer An outbreak of smallbox The Boxcar Children A world without boxes Boxing up my feelings A box-shaped man A man-shaped box Something that looks like a box but turns out to be a crate A box that is conscious and wishes it weren't a box An alternate universe in which boxes store things inside of people The J15 Patriot Assault Box A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid Two midgets shitting into a box A falcon with a box on its head Being a motherfucking box Former President George W. Box Pandora's vagina Tom Baker, in nothing but a scarf Walking in on Jack Harkness doing your mom. And your dad The buzzing noise that the Sonic Screwdriver makes Sharing a public restroom with a weeping angel Just now realizing that \"Torchwood\" is an anagram of \"Doctor Who\" Fifty years of fanfic Wanting to punch that teeny-bopper Whovian that's butthurt the new Doctor isn't in his twenties The Doctor going back in time to solve a REAL problem: \"Twilight\" A \"Doctor Who\" body pillow The Silence A Rusty Cyberman The Doctor having a chance encounter with a couple of 80s metalheads Drunkenly drawing tally marks on your face A shitty Doctor Who knock-knock joke Davros getting up on the wrong side of the bed The Master, baiting the doctor into a trap A Vashta Nerada that just wants a hug Wishing you could regenerate Kidnapping a barely-legal woman to time travel with Getting so much plastic surgery, you have to be framed and moisturized Quitting this panel after one round, because you are afraid of getting typecast The poor costume decisions that were made in the 1970s The Mary Jane Adventures Fondling a Dalek's slippery bits Sixteen feet of scarf bondage Air from my lungs Smoking 1000 cigarettes, just so you can sound like a Dalek when you talk Giving her the ol' plastic Mickey Companion Porn An acid rain shower on Skaro Pointing to your crotch and saying \"Allons-y\" A sonic screwdriver stuck on the vibrate setting Pouting in a rain storm and having to take a wicked piss The poor decision that is having a staring contest with a weeping angel Sorry, this answer is only available in the fanfic version of Cards Against Con Plot holes so wide, you could drive a truck through them A blinged-out TARDIS, blasting dubstep when it is travelling Rose Tyler's teeth The Master singing \"Bad Case of Loving You.\" Steven Moffat taking a big old dump in your Cheerios K-9 humping your leg A bigger, bluer TARDIS Robot Anne Robinson A fez caked with semen A GUITARDIS The Celestial Toymaker's \"plaything\" Captain Jack Harkness A furry writing BAD WOLF everywhere Your dyslexic friend that wants you to come watch a marathon of \"Doctor How\" Fapping to Billie Piper portraying a callgirl Being used as a plot device by Steven Moffat A Costco-sized bag of Jelly Babies A global simulcast that forces Whovians to see sunlight for the first time in ages THE END OF TIME ITSELF! Finding Autons oddly attractive The fuck machine dungeon of the Cybermen Glenn Beck convulsively puking as a brood of Daleks swarm in on him River Song Low-budget special effects Eggs Dalek porn Taking a Doctor Poo The big banana in your pocket Opening the door of the TARDIS and leaving a deuce in the time-space continuum David Tennant Matt Smith Chistopher Eccleston Siltheen farts A kid in a gas mask asking if you are his mummy Fish fingering your custard The hideousness that is Raxacoricofallapatorious An Ood getting a starring role in a hentai … . .-. . -. .. - -.— (Serenity) 'Rails with pails \"Apple Juice.\" A bull penis cane A chip in your heart that forces you to love A dead Ms. Paint A dominant Kankri A five minute video of Cronus giving Kankri a blowjob A mighty wwizard of wwhite science A Nicolas Cage body pillow A painting of a horse attacking a football player A rapist cuttlefish A slaughtered sperm whale A smuppet in Dirk’s pants A Strider sandwich A VrisKan waffle Accidentally touching Gamze’s enormous codpiece Actual blind people who cosplay Terezi Alternian fine art Alternian rainbow-drinker romance novels An acrobatic fucking pirouette Andrew Hussie Andrew Hussie’s lips Anonymous Soporifics Support Apple Juice Aradia Bot Aradia Megido Aradia’s charred, rotting corpse Aranea Serket Aranea's exposition stand Arguing over troll sexuality ARquiusprite’s muscles Arthour the lusus AVATAR Baby Dave Bard Quest Beating the shit out of Terezi Bec Noir Becoming Tumblr famous Being fuck deep in meowcats Being in a relationship with a non-Homestuck Being in a relationship with a non-Homestuck Being locked in a Prospitian prison Being the other guy BETTY FUCKING CROCKER Binge reading every fanfiction for a pairing and then hating yourself a little bit BL1ND JUST1C3 Blackrom orgies Bro and Dave banging while Rose watches Bro Bro's rapping ventriloquism act Bro’s death BUCKETS Butler Island C4NDY R3D BLOOD >:] Caledscratch Caliborn Caliginous speed dating Calliope Can Town Can Town Cards Against Alternia Carlos Maraka Casey Centaur milk Charging down halls, shouting profanities and being silly Cherub m-preg Cherub mating rituals Chest of WHIMSY Cliched JohnKat fanfiction Cod Palace Cod Tier Gamzee Communism! Constantly breaking Hussie’s copyright Cosplay sex Cosplayers who do photo shoots in bondage (God bless them) Cosplayers who do photo shoots in bondage (God bless them) Cosplayers who don’t seal their paint Crabdad Creative uses for Aradia’s whip Cronus actually getting laid Cronus Ampora Dad EgbertgDad Crocker Dad's pipe Dad’s fedora Damara Megido wearing white at her wedding Damara Megido Damara Megido’s existence Dante Basco Dating exclusively within the fandom Dave Strider Dave’s throbbing beef truncheon Dead parents Destroying clocks Developing a deep fear of the sound of clown horns after becoming a Homestuck Dirk Strider Dirk’s self-insert MLP fan character Discovering Sollux is red-blue colorblind Doc Scratch Drawing pornography for Caliborn Elf tears Equius cumming so hard he blows a hole straight through his partner Equius Zahhak Equius’s choice ass Equius’s copy of \"Fifty Shades of Neigh.\" Equius’s towel Equius’s used towel pile Eridan Ampora Eridan crying after pailing Vriska for the first time Eridan stripping to make rent Eridan’s cape Eridan’s empty quadrants Eridan’s empty quadrants Eridan’s lowwer half Eridan’s upper half Falling into a pool of lava Fat Vriska Faygo Feferi Peixes Feferi’s voluptuous curves Fiduspawn Fifty fucking Nepetas Filling all of your quadrants Filling all of your quadrants Finding grey paint on your bathroom door three weeks after the last meetup Fis)( puns! Flighty broads Flipping the fuck out Game Bro Magazine Gamzee Makara Gamzee’s clown horns gAmZeE’S pOtIoNs: 420 bOoNbUcKs Geromy Getting forked by a 2x3dent Gl'bgolyb. AKA Feferi’s fucking lusus Going to the bark side Grandpa HarleygGrandma English Grimbark Jade Groincobblers Gross misinterpretations of your favorite character Hateclown on the side Having STRONG surprise buttsex Hellmurder Island Hemostuck Hemostuck Her Imperious Condescenscion Her Imperious Condescension’s royal butt-plug collection Homesmut Voices Homestuck stealing all the fans from Hetalia and then subsequently watching all its fans leave for OFF and Danganronpa Homestuck Homosuck HONK HONK, MOTHER FUCKER Horsearoni Horuss Zahhak Hot crossplayers Hunk Rump Magazine Hussie constantly breaking copyright and then telling his fans to not break his copyright Hussie constantly breaking copyright Hussie jacking it to our tears of anguish Jade Harley Jade’s dog penis and knot Jailbreak Jake English standing there like a fucking idiot Jake English Jake English’s assless chaps Jake English’s choice ass Jake English’s manhood Jane Crocker John Egbert John’s flaming homosexuality John’s Prankster’s Gambit Just KNOWING that Slick is going to stab Ms. Paint Kanaya destroying Cantown Kanaya Maryam Kanaya's ashen promiscuity Kanaya’s chainsaw Kankri Vantas Karkat actually topping, for once Karkat and Jade’s adorable little of mpreg puppies Karkat dying of a burst blood vessel mid-rant Karkat going through puberty before every other troll and being, like, nine feet tall Karkat Tantrum Bingo Karkat Vantas Karkat’s ragegasm Karkat’s tiny, angry looking dick Kawaii Yaoi Kurloz Makara Lame bucket jokes Latula Pyrope Laying back and thinking of Alternia Leprechaun m-preg Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection. MAIL Lil' Cal's dead eyes Lil’ Cal Lil’ Cal’s raging boner Lil’ Hal Lil’ Seb Little children who poop hard in their baby ass diapers Lord English Lord English’s peg leg Lucky Charms Maid Equius Maple Hoof March Eridan Masturbating while thinking of your OTP Masturbating while thinking of your OTP Maxing out your credit cards to buy Homestuck merchandise Meenah Piexes Meulin Leijon Mierfa Durgas Mierfa Durgas’ troll-horn nunchakus Mind honey Mister Dude, Sir Brah, Dood Dude, Vitamin D, Dude Esquire Mituna Captor Mom MS Paint Adventures MSPARP Murdering angels Muscle beasts My Little Hoofbeast: Moirailigence Is Magic Nektan Whelan Neophyte Redglare Nepeta Leijon Nepeta violently mauling people with bad ships Nepeta’s heat cycle Nepeta’s shipping chart Never being able to look at apple juice, milk, buckets, or knitting needles without feeling a little bit uncormfortable Never dating a Serket Nic Cage saying \"boner.\" No homo Noping the fuck out of there Not shipping it Nyehs and wwehs Only cosplaying male characters when you get pregnant Overtaking entire conventions Paint splatters that look like troll cum PantsKat Paradox slime Petstuck PipeFan413 Plush Rump Magazine Plush rump Porrim Maryam Porrim's condom stash Porrim’s motherly affections Post-apocalyptic shroudwear Problem Sleuth Recuperacoon Remembering that awkward time when Karkat called Future arachnidsGrip \"FAG.\" Rose and Kanaya snuggling Rose Lalonde Rose telling John she’s a lesbian and they will never be together Rose’s review of \"My Immortal.\" Roxy Lalonde Rufio Rufioh Nitram Sacred leggings SBAHJ hentai doujinshi Schrödinger's Nepeta SCIENCE WAND! Seadweller dick fins Selling your soul to Hussie Shippers Shipping it Shipping the fuck out of something Ships ending in -cest Shitty swords Shopping with Terezi Sick fires Skipping to Act 5 Sleeping ten people to a room at conventions Sloppy inter-species makeouts Smuppets Sobbing uncontrollably while reading fanfiction Sollux Captor Sollux’s bifurcated bone bulge Sopor pies SORD Soul portraits Species-swap fanfics Spidermom Staying up to three AM, cleaning the grey off every surface of your hotel room in a desperate bid to not get fined Stealing Tavros’s wheelchair Stridercest Sugoi Yuri sweet bro and hell jeff TAB Tavros Nitram Tavros’s wheelchair Telling Sollux what happens to male bees after sex Tentabulges Tentative thank-you stabs Terezi Pyrope That dead crow with the sword through it That human vacation with the giant red chimney-ass-hole That shitty apple That wonderful feeling when you take off your binder The \"special attachments\" we ALL know that Equius gave to AradiaBot The 7th Gate The animes The Condesce’s crotch The Condesce’s selfies The Dildo of Oglogoth The Disciple The Dolorosa The E%ecutorgExpatri8 Darkleer The Exiles The Felt The gays The glory that is BroJohn The Grand Highblood The Great Hiatus of 2013 The green sun The guy who fingered an Ampora The Handmaid The hemospectrum The Hilarocaust The Homestuck drinking game (do a shot every time someone dies!) The Insane Clown Posse The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called The Marquise Spinneret Mindfang The Mayor The mere concept of the Olive Garden The Midnight Crew The noises Mituna makes during sex The Orphaner Dualscar The Psiionic The ridiculous fact that some people communicate without luminous rear ends The Shipping Olympics The significant purposes, biologically speaking, of troll nipples The slammer The SufferergThe Signless The Summoner The sweat-drenched, rippling muscles of several truly majestically endowed hoofbeasts The undeniable fact that Gamzee did nothing wrong The unimaginable amounts of cash Faygo’s been making off of Homestucks The Wrinklefucker The Wrinklefucker Toilet displacement Topping from the bottom Triggers Troll blood Troll horns Troll Will Smith Trolls misunderstanding what \"Bucket List\" means Tumblr spoilers Tumblr user Egberts Tumblr user Pizza Tumblr Unreal air UPD8!!!!!!!! UPS delivery woman Nepeta Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer Violent Blackrom sex Vodka Mutini Vodka Vriska dying after being stabbed by Terezi Vriska Serket Vriska’s SEXY sex tips for having SEXY SEX! Warhammer of Zillyhoo What pumpkin? When your favorite character dies where MAKING THIS HAPEN Willingly filling buckets with Eridan Wondering if Meenah has a pitch crush on John, what with the attempted stabbings World building! Your 300 pound matronly freight-train Your lusus giving you \"The Talk.\" Your Mary Sue fantroll Your privilege Your significant other coming home and finding you in full grey cosplay Making 77 cents on the dollar (unless you're Latina) Inspirational Dove chocolate wrappers Masturbating to Ty Pennington Pretending you'll wear that bridesmaid dress again Mansplaining Beyonce thinkpieces Gabby Giffords' physical therapy Female genital mutilation When the tampon's too low and you feel it with every step A joke too funny for women to understand Meryl Streep selfies Hillary bitch-slapping Bill with a frozen tuna The Bechdel Test Staph infections from dirty nail salons Stalking wedding photos on Facebook, weeping softly Emma Goldman burning the whole motherfucker down Douches that smell like rain Rosa Parks' back seat Engagement photos on train tracks Choking on the ashes of Gloria Steinem's bras The cold, hard truth that no lesbian has ever scissored Doing your kegels at work Misandry Abortion Barbie Telling a street harasser \"You know what? I *will* blow you.\" Peggy Olson's cutthroat ambitions A quickie with Rachel Maddow in the green room Forcefeeding Sheryl Sandberg the pages of Lean In, one by one Emma Watson, Emma Stone, EMMA THOMPSON BITCHES Dumpsters overflowing with whimisical save-the-date magnets The torture chamber where Kathryn Bigelow keeps James Cameron A detailed vajazzling of Van Goh's Starry Night STOP MAKING ME PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT YOUR WEDDING PINTEREST DARLA The Chub Rub Chin hairs you pretend you don't have A strongly worded letter to Netflix demanding the addition of \"The Good Wife\" Doubling up on sports bras When a dog smells your crotch and you know exactly why Malala's gunshot wounds Lactating when a stranger's baby cries on the train A new cookbook by Sylvia Plath Crying in the fitting room during bikini season Eating the entire bag Scalding hot wax right there on your labia The G-Spot, the Y-spot, the other spot you made up to confuse your partner The Golden Girls' never-ending supply of frozen cheesecake Forcefeeding Sheryl Sandberg the pages of Lean In, one by one Underboob swet like rancid milk Wondering whether your girl crush on Hermione constitutes pedophilia Taking a giant dump on the 18th green at the Augusta National Golf Club A brown smudge equally likely to be period blood or chocolate A hand-crocheted Diva Cup case from Etsy Your gigantic crush on Jenna Lyons A one-way ticket to Steubenville A bodice-ripping 4-way with Alexander Skarsgard, Ian Somerhalder, and David Boreanaz Finger banging Michelle Rodriguez Princess Aurora maniacally devouring the still-beating heart of Maleficent A tear stained copy of Reviving Ophelia A misogynist dystopia set in a not-too-distant WAIT A MINUTE Dying your hair red like Angela Chase Daenerys Targaryen's fire-breathing vajayjay Resentfully clicking like on your boss's vacation photos Calmly informing your date that you understand the infield fly rule better than he does Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making out on a pile of Bitch magazines Only shaving up to the knee Meredith Grey's slut phase Shameful childhood memories of envying the wheelchair girl who got all the attention Sort of wishing the baby on the plane would die Tenderly dominating Uncle Jesse from behind Stumbling on David Wright performing as Judy Garland in the East Village Urinating on yourself to prevent an assault When a FOX News anchor causally references 'ebonics' Getting DPed by the Property Brothers on a custom granite countertop Being compared to a Cathy Cartoon on Metafilter Kim Kardashian's placenta banh mi Asking Gilbert Gottfried to do the Iago voice during sex Watching Bethenny Frankel struggle for life in a churning sea of pre-mixed SkinnyGirl cocktails An alternate version of the Washington Monument that looks kind of like a vagina Telling Pacey your innermost secrets in a canoe beneath the Capeside stars The blue liquid from tampon commercials Patti Stanger's line of jewelry #solidarityisforwhitewomen A candlelight vigil for Nicole Brown Smith Sexual fantasies involving Mindy Lahiri and a sumptuous coffeecake Tweeting Cory Booker about that guy walking behind you A gender neutral, owl-themed baby announcement Being the only woman at the office-mandated sexual harassment training Asking Larry Summers increasingly difficult mathematical questions until Bar and Mat Mitzvahs are considered equally important Cramming Vladimir Putin full of Activia until he poops out Russia's homophobia Snotsicles Naked News Done Cherry's wardrobe Syrupy sex with a maple tree Terry Fox's prosthetic leg Canada: American's hat Homo milk Mr. Dressup The Front de Libération du Québec Heritage minutes The Royal Canadian Mounted Police Stephen Harper Burning down the White House Being Canadian The Famous Five A Molson muscle An icy hand job from an Edmonton hooker Poutine Schmirler the Curler The Official Languages Act. La Loi sure les langues officielles Newfies The CBC Graham Greene playing the same First Nations character on every TV show Killing a moose with your bare hands tim Hortons Quintland Karla Momolka A depressed tentacle monster Pussy spiders The erotic possibilities of duct tape A starsip powered by orgasms A vagina dentata The periodic table of the awesoments An erotic audio drama, complete with moans and groans An addictive aerosol aphrodesiac Debugging nanobot code while hung over Never being able to touch your lover ever again Enormous breasts. I mean, seriously, 'how does she even walk' gigantic The sneaking suspicion that having sex with a theriomorph is actually bestiality Majoring in mad science Balticon! A call on the listener feedback line that turns out to be a wrong number Penis enlargement that actually works Dirty Mad Libs Pregnant sex A killer corset Professor Pinkertoot's Bosom Wax Genderfuckery Zero gravity sex Badly translated Latin Detachable Boobs Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography These low, low prices! Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them Moses gargling Jesus\'s balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas Swapping bodies with mom for a day Finding out that Santa isn't real Slicing a ham in icy silence The Grinch\'s musty, cum-stained pelt Rudolph's bright red balls Jizzing into Santa\'s beard Breeding elves for their priceless semen The royal afterbirth Congress\'s flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants Having a strong opinion about Obamacare A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver Being blind and deaf and having no limbs People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is Sucking the President\'s dick Sunny D! Alright! A mulatoo, an albino, a mosquito, and my libido Log.™ Jerking off to a 10-second RealMedia clip Deregulating the mortgage market The Y2K bug Wearing Nicolas Cage\'s face Stabbing the shit out a Capri Sun Kurt Cobain\'s death Freeing Willy Liking big butts and not being able to lie about it The Great Cornholio Pure Moods, Vol. 1 Yelling \”girl power!\” and doing a high kick Pamela Anderson\'s boobs running in slow motion Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time Angels interfering in an otherwise fair baseball game Getting caught up in the CROSSFIRE.™ Patti Mayonnaise Cool 90s up-in-the-front hair Several Michael Keatons A bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per hour The black half of Barack Obama The white half of Barack Obama Free ice cream, yo A face full of horse cum Getting caught by the police and going to jail My dead son's baseball glove Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry Western standards of beauty Getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri Blowjobs for everyone Blackface Butt stuff Some shit-hot guitar licks Social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion Deez nuts An unforgettable quinceañera September 11th, 2001 Daddy's credit card A one-way ticket to Gary, Indiana An uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation P.F. Change himself Cutting off a flamingo\'s legs with garden shears A giant powdery manbaby Anal fissures like you wouldn\'t believe Not believing in giraffes Getting drive-by shot A team of lawyers AIDS monkeys Wearing glasses and sounding smart Slowly easing down onto a cucumber A whole new kind of porn 40 acres and a mule Boring vaginal sex Genghis Khan\'s DNA The tiger that killed my father My boyfriend\'s stupid penis Changing a person\'s mind with logic and facts Child support payments The passage of time Going to a high school reunion on ketamine A reason not to commit suicide Russian super-tuberculosis A mouthful of potato salad All these decorative pillows Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin Being worshipped as the one true God The basic suffering that pervades all of existence The ghost of Marlon Brando Out-of-this-world bazongas Ancient Athenian boy-fucking A crazy little thing called love A zero-risk way to make $2,000 from home Seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes Being paralyzed from the neck down Backwards knees Having been dead for a while My first period Vegetarian options The Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle The unbelievable world of mushrooms Being nine years old The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion The swim team, all at once Denzel Unrelenting genital punishment Mom\'s new boyfriend A disappointing salad A powered exoskeleton Ennui Oil! Giant sperm from outer space Doing the right stuff to her nipples Too much cocaine Seeing things from Hitler\'s perspective A bass drop so huge it tears the starry vault asunder to reveal the face of God Growing up chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness Shitting all over the floor like a bad, bad girl A buttload of candy Sucking all the milk out of a yak Bullets A man who is so cool that he rides on a motorcycle Sudden penis loss Getting all offended Crying and shitting and eating spaghetti One unforgettable night of passion Being popular and good at sports Filling a man\'s anus with concrete Two whales fucking the shit out of eachother Cool, releatable cancer teens The amount of gay I am A possible Muslim Unsheathing my massive horse cock A bowl of gourds The male gaze The power of the Dark Side Ripping a dog in half A constant need for validation Meaningless sex Such a big boy Throwing stones at a man until he dies Cancer Like a million alligators Eating together like a god damn family for once Cute boys Pussy Being a terrible mother Never having sex again A pizza guy who fucked up A whole lotta woman The all-new Nissan Pathfinder with 0.9% APR financing! A peyote-fueled vision quest Kale Breastfeeding a ten year old Crippling social anxiety Immortality cream Texas Teaching a girl how to handjob the penis A turd Shapes and colors Whatever you wish, mother The haunting stare of an Iraqi child Robots who just want to party A self-microwaving burrito Forgetting grandma\'s first name Our new Buffalo Chicken Dippers®! Treasures beyond your wildest dreams Getting shot out of a cannon The sweet song of sword against and the braying of mighty war beasts Walking into a glass door The color \"puce\" Every ounce of charisma left in Mick Jagger\'s tired body The eighth graders Setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Ohio The dentist Gwyneth Paltrow\'s opinions Turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels Rabies Important news about Taylor Swift Ejaculating inside another man\'s wife Owls, the perfect predator Being John Malkovich Bathing in moonsblood and dancing around the ancient oak An oppressed people with a vibrant culture An overwhelming variety of cheeses Reading the entire End-User License Agreement Morpheus Peeing into a girl\'s butt to make a baby Generally having no idea of what\'s going on No longer finding any Cards Against Humanity card funny